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<title>To My Crowley by CR Noble (erudite12)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25984162">To My Crowley</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/erudite12/pseuds/CR%20Noble'>CR Noble (erudite12)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Letters, mention of being suicidal, mention of depression</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:48:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,202</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25984162</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/erudite12/pseuds/CR%20Noble</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a sad letter from Michael to Crowley</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Crowley/Michael (Supernatural)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>To My Crowley</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A letter from Michael to Crowley, talking about the way their relationship went and accepting that it's over.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>To my Crowley:</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You and I met completely by chance, and during what was one of the darkest points of my life. I was happy to make a new friend that understood at least some of what I was going through, and who had as dark and dirty a sense of humor as my own. Someone who I had something in common with; someone I could have fun with.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t long until we were as thick as thieves can be; before I trusted you, confided in you, and shared my secrets with you. It was nice to feel accepted for the entire contradictory mess that I know I am. It was nice to have someone to share my struggles with on a more personal level than I do with most people. I knew you had your issues, too, and I did my best to support you through your struggles as well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I considered you one of my closest friends and introduced you to the other people I am closest to. Even before I felt I was falling for you, you became an intrinsic, inseparable part of my life. Pieces of you were entangled in so many of the things I did. My thoughts. My writing. My plans for the future. I couldn’t walk into a store without seeing something and thinking of you. It always made me smile when I saw something small that I thought you would like.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You were one of the first people I came out to, and among the first people to support me when I did, and again when I came out to everyone else. You were there for me when my life was falling apart and I felt like everything would be better if I could simply stop existing. We made plans for dates, holidays, and vacations. If nothing else, in my darkest moments I had something to look forward to because of you.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The first time I didn’t hear from you for a few days, I worried. Not about us or our relationship, but about you. Because you’d told me that you felt like you wanted to end it all. I was so relieved when I heard from you again, even if it was just to tell me that you didn’t feel like talking. The length of time between our correspondence grew longer and longer, and each time I wrote you with no response, I worried more. I was able to keep an eye from afar, just to make sure I knew you were still alive, and it was a relief that you were.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then I started to worry about our relationship. I wrote you a few times, simply asking if you wanted to keep the plans we had made, and got no response. I knew you were in a bad place, so even though you didn’t answer me, I did my best to make sure you knew you were loved and cared for.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I kept doing so until my heart couldn’t take it anymore. Until it hurt too much to see your name and know that you were not going to respond to me. I didn’t want to stop; I was afraid if I did you’d think I didn’t care anymore. I was afraid of being a bad friend. It took months for me to work up the courage to care for my own heart before yours. That was the last missive I sent you. To let you know that I still cared for you, but I was emotionally unable to handle the lack of communication.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Still more months passed after that, and I reserved a part of my heart for you, holding out the smallest of hopes that you would someday reach out to me again, just to let me know you were alright. But you never did. I knew you were alive, and I tried to make myself believe that was enough to be satisfied.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On the worst days, I wondered what I had done wrong that made you no longer want to be a part of my life. I cried to my best friends, who assured me repeatedly that “It’s their loss. You’re an amazing person.” But, I can’t help but feel these are just the placations of people who care about me and don’t want to see me hurting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I managed for a time to push away my feelings, as I often do, and to concentrate on other parts of my life. Things have gotten much better for me in so many ways, and I know I should be happier about it than I am. But every now and again, an errant memory or photograph comes across and I am reminded again of how I feel.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My heart dropped to my feet the day I saw you with someone else. It destroyed whatever shred of hope I had of you remaining a part of my life in a burning flash. But you looked happy, and that brought me some small amount of joy. I’ve never considered myself a jealous or possessive person, but every time I saw you with them, or heard mention of it, it felt like a stab in my heart. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For months, I still tried to be distantly friendly, even though it hurt me more than I have words for. I’m not that person; not the one to refuse to be friends with someone simply because they found happiness with someone that isn’t me. And to be sure, I am truly happy for you and your partner if you are happy together. You deserve that; you deserve someone who treats you well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For my part, I still wonder where I went wrong and what I did to push you away. I recently made the decision to stop trying to be friends as it seems clear as day that you have no interest in continuing any kind of relationship with me. Of everything, I think that decision hurts me the most. I feel like I’ve cut part of myself away. I didn’t expect it to be so hard. I think that much of the reason this is so difficult for me is that until the moment I decided to break away, I didn’t realize how deeply my feelings ran. Perhaps I hid the fact that I was much more in love with you than I ever thought I was from myself. Maybe that was where I made my mistake.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I want you to know that I don’t blame you and I’m not angry. My pain is my own and I will never fault you for it. In time, I think things will get better for me. I hope they’ve gotten better for you. I truly do wish you happiness and all the best things in life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I know it’s likely that you will never see this letter, and if you were to see it somehow, I don’t know how you would feel about it. But that’s okay. I didn’t write it for you. I wrote it for me. To get all these feelings off my chest that I may begin to move on. I’ll never be happy if I don’t.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I wish you all the best,</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Michael</span>
</p>
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